Will We Ever Get Serious About Improving Our Mental Wellness?
On a recent business trip, I was talking with a commercial pilot about the stresses they face and what they do to manage it. When I specifically asked about “mental wellness” they immediately said, “Oh you don’t talk about anything related to mental health. That will get you grounded in a heartbeat.” When I inquired further, they said, “You just tell them everything is good.”
As an airline passenger, I certainly want my pilot and co-pilot to be in a state of good mental health. I also know that they are human, and subject to good days and bad days. Thankfully, having two people in the cockpit minimizes the dangers if one of them is indeed NOT in a mental “good place.”
While the focus was the work of pilots, I believe it could have just as easily have been a conversation about almost any workplace. Don’t talk about anything related to mental health. Tell them everything is good.
But it’s not.
Like you, I encounter individuals almost every day who are struggling mentally or emotionally with the pressures of work, relationships, or unrealistic expectations of themselves. Good people who really want to do their best work but are hindered by unhealthy perspectives or feel like they are less capable than others. People who feel trapped in their negative thoughts and wish they could tell someone. Some days that person is me.
I’ve seen the pain poor mental health inflicts on individuals of all ages. I have seen the heartbreak of parents and spouses who feel so helpless to guide their loved one to a better place. I have talked with work teams who want to help a team member who is struggling with their mental health but lacked the words to say… so they said nothing. In those moments I am reminded of the words of my friend Luke Jackson: Nothing ever gets better with neglect.
Nothing ever gets better with neglect. - Luke Jackson
We have to do better as individuals, organizations, and ultimately our society. Because it’s such a complex, emotionally-charged, (and sometimes risky) topic to discuss, however, we may feel lost about where to start. I want to help with that.
Here are some of the key learnings and suggestions that have helped me manage my own mental health over the past three years and to be of better support to others whose mental wellness isn’t where they want it to be.
Find A Working Definition Of Mental Health That Works For You
If you wanted to assess your physical health, you could step on a set of scales, take a blood pressure test, or even have your finger pricked to draw blood for analysis. If you wanted to assess your financial health, you could check your account balances, look at your credit card statements, or compare your retirement savings to others in your age demographic.
But how do you assess your mental health and wellness? What’s your metric? If you don’t have one, how can you know how you are doing?
When my own mental wellness and the wellness of those around me became a bigger priority, I searched for a foundational definition of mental health that I could work from to assess my own situation and, if asked, could help others.
According to the American Psychological Association, mental health is, “A state of mind characterized by emotional well-being, good behavioral adjustment, relative freedom from anxiety and disabling symptoms, and a capacity to establish constructive relationships and cope with the ordinary demands and stresses of life.”
Using this definition, I can assess my mental wellness quickly by asking questions like:
My answers to these and similar questions are an indicator of what actions I might need to take to improve my mental wellness.
Another definition comes from Ryan Casey Waller, in his insightful book, Depression, Anxiety, And Other Things We Don’t Talk About. He writes, “Mental health is the little voice inside your head that’s been talking to you for as long as you can remember. It sounds just like you. You’re the only one who can hear it. And it’s more convincing to you than anything or anyone else in the entire world.”
Using this definition I can simply ask myself at any time, “What’s the voice inside my head telling me right now?”
There are numerous other definitions out there. These are the two that most effectively speak to me and help me to determine where change is needed.
I’ll ask you again. What’s your metric to determine your level of mental wellness?
Know What Most Impacts Your Mental Wellness
Almost every person who has talked about their mental health journey with me mentions some event, a consistent pressure, or an unhealthy relationship that started or accelerated their negative thoughts. For some it has been an unhealthy load at work. For others it has been unrealistic expectations of their role as a student or significant other. And still others tell me that loneliness was the culprit.
Some of the “triggers” for me that can lead to an unhealthy mental state of mind include:
Self-doubt
Comparison to others
Consistent lack of self-care
Too much negative information (i.e. what I am reading, watching, or listening to)
And just as there are negative influences on our mental health, there are also positive ones. Thoughts and activities that put us in a better mental mindset. Some of them for me are:
Being around people who like me for me. Not as a speaker, coach, author or any other professional role. Just me as a human being.
Getting lost in a hobby. Right now it’s gardening.
Reading and listening to encouraging content.
What has the most (positive or negative) impact on your mental health?
Don’t Isolate Yourself
Because there is such a stigma around mental health and everybody (falsely) says they are fine, many people feel like there is something wrong with them when they aren’t always in the most positive state of mind. Don’t believe it.
From time to time people will ask me what I’m learning about these days. Frequently I will tell them of some fact or new information I have found about mental health. You can sense a unique moment of connection as they nod their head and often tell me about the mental health journey of their own or of someone they know. Pardon the cliché, but it’s so therapeutic. People actually want to talk about their challenges and successes in this area, but rarely find people who are willing to listen.
Isolation is so dangerous. You are most vulnerable when you are alone.
Be The Kind Of Help Others Really Need
One of my goals in the next year is to complete some type of certification/training to help me better support those I meet who are struggling with their mental health. But NOT having some type of certification or formal experience should never be a reason for not speaking up. We already have the skills needed to make a positive difference in their lives. They include:
Asking
If you sense someone isn’t in the right headspace, ASK. Not a “How are you today?” kind of question, but something like, “I’m sensing that you’re a little distracted today” or “You seem like you have some heavy thoughts today.” And don’t be afraid to ask the second question. Most people expect you to give up after the first question. Don’t.
Listening
What I have found is that once you ask the deeper questions, you don’t have to say much at all. People often want to talk about their challenges and simply being fully present with them is enough to give them the comfort they need to talk. Don’t try to offer answers to questions you don’t know the answers to. If you feel like you must say something, here are some phrases that are helpful:
I can’t imagine what you are going through. That must be tough.
Tell me more.
I’m here to listen, not judge.
I’m so glad you are talking to someone about this.
Above all else, remember to support not shift. When someone shares that they are not in a good place, it seems helpful to say something like, “Yeah, I know. I feel like that sometimes too.” It’s not. It actually invalidates their feelings and shifts the attention to you. Once you have talked for awhile it might be of value to tell a little about your own experiences, but don’t start with them.
A Better Way
A few weeks ago I was a keynote speaker for a regional sales meeting of a national company. During my time with the group I asked participants at their tables to share one thing they did to keep their edge, to make sure they were showing up as the best version of themselves each day. One table erupted in applause during the exercise. When I asked what happened, one participant shared that he had said, “a weekly therapy session” and everyone cheered in support of his idea. Several others at the table then mentioned that they too sought out counselors or took steps to focus on their mental wellness.
WOW! Enthusiastically supporting someone who acknowledges that they need help with their mental health? Openly sharing that you need to work on your own mental wellness too?
THAT’S the world I hope we can all work and live in one day.
How could you get more serious about improving your mental wellness?
