Is It Time To “Tune Up” Your Ability To Have More Meaningful Conversations?

I love my old truck. I’ve had it since 1990. The paint is faded, a cheap seat cover hides the years of wear, and the a/c hasn’t worked in years. It has a five speed manual transmission so I get to be a (very) active participant in the whole driving process.

Because I don’t drive it often, it has developed some small issues that limit my ability to enjoy it. I finally took the time last weekend to fix some of them. I even washed it (with a pressure washer)! I was so fulfilled as I slid behind the wheel, cranked the engine, and drove it to my various errands.

Like my old truck, I believe we have often parked our face-to-face communication skills in favor of emails, texting, and similar forms of messaging. We’re missing the joy of seeing others connect with an idea or simply being heard at a deeper level. We aren’t working through problems at work or in our personal lives as efficiently or effectively because digital messages can’t convey cues, tone, context, or body language as well as a face-to-face conversation. I believe it’s time for a “tune up” of our communication skills if we want to have more conversations that matter.

So let’s do some “mental maintenance.” Here are five questions I believe you should ask yourself before starting any conversation. The goal is that when the conversation is over, you have the same sense of accomplishment I have when closing (slamming) the door on my truck after a cruise around town.

What’s the goal for the conversation?

While you probably don’t need to think about the goal for saying “Hi” every time you see someone, it is essential that you have a goal in mind for longer conversations. The goal might be to encourage, get new information, inform, motivate, learn, coach, or some combination of them. Once you identify the goal(s) your brain begins helping you choose the best words, phrases, or questions to use.

What are my talking points?

After you have determined your goal for the conversation, you should invest a few moments in thinking about the most important ideas or thoughts you want to share. For example, if my goal for a conversation is to encourage someone, I need to come up with some things to say to encourage them. Rather than simply saying, “You got this!” I can recall specific experiences where they have worked through difficulty and help them see that this current challenge isn’t so different. I might also think about some qualities of the individual that will serve them well as they work through their problems.

What are the questions I want answered in the conversation?

I have left so many conversations thinking, “I wish I had asked about…” In the emotion of the moment it can be difficult to think logically about what you want to know, or you get sidetracked by a new idea or thought. Having that list-and being willing to stop in the conversation to look at it-helps you have the information you want and need.

And if you’re thinking that I’m only talking about work conversations, you would be wrong. Even when I know I’m going to be spending some time with a friend, I think about what I’m curious about that is going on in their life, or a follow up to something they told me in a previous conversation.

What do I want to have when the conversation is over?

This question might even need to be first. If you know the most important thing you want to have after a conversation is over is “clarity,” you can more easily determine the questions you want answered, what your key talking points could be and the appropriate words or phrases to use. Other things you might want out of a conversation include “encouragement,” “agreement,” “understanding,” “an opportunity to _______________,” or “forgiveness for_____________.”

What do I want the other person to have when the conversation is over?

I hope your first thought when you read that question is NOT “a piece of my mind!” Regardless of the seriousness of any conversation, it’s important to think about what your words will leave with them. Do you want them to feel empowered? Have better clarity about what their priorities should be? Understand current opportunities?

There are several other issues with my truck that still need my attention. it has an interior leak when there’s a hard rain, one window won’t roll down, and I keep hearing a rattle that interferes with the country music trying to project from the one speaker that still works. I’ll get to those problems later.

In the same way, asking yourself these five questions won’t make every conversation you have a perfect one. From cognitive bias to listening and giving feedback, there are so many more parts to creating a meaningful conversation. For now, tune up what you can, and see how much more you enjoy the ride of a good conversation.